So, you know that society is screwed up when ‘The Onion,’ everyone’s favourite satirical online news source, actually publishes a story that is so ridiculous, so absurd, so absolutely ‘wrong’ in every sense of the word – that it’s true.

What is this truth that the geniuses at The Onion speak of? Empowerfulness. That’s right kids. Toss out your Equal Rights Amendments and throw away your feminism! They’re all just anachronistic symbols of former eras. This generation of women are empowered by marketing and capitalism, and the new corporate impetus to connect everything women do to their ’empowerment’. This is obviously what Gloria Steinem had in mind!

OBERLIN, OH—According to a study released Monday, women—once empowered primarily via the assertion of reproductive rights or workplace equality with men—are now empowered by virtually everything the typical woman does.

San Diego women empower themselves by eating dinner unaccompanied by men.
“From what she eats for breakfast to the way she cleans her home, today’s woman lives in a state of near-constant empowerment,” said Barbara Klein, professor of women’s studies at Oberlin College and director of the study. “

As recently as 15 years ago, a woman could only feel empowered by advancing in a male-dominated work world, asserting her own sexual wants and needs, or pushing for a stronger voice in politics. Today, a woman can empower herself through actions as seemingly inconsequential as driving her children to soccer practice or watching the Oxygen network.”

Klein said that clothes-shopping, once considered a mundane act with few sociopolitical implications, is now a bold feminist statement.

“Shopping for shoes has emerged as a powerful means by which women assert their autonomy,” Klein said. “Owning and wearing dozens of pairs of shoes is a compelling way for a woman to announce that she is strong and independent, and can shoe herself without the help of a man. She’s saying, ‘Look out, male-dominated world, here comes me and my shoes.'”

Does this leave you thinking “Hmm… it seems like something might be wrong here?” Well, throw away those nasty doubting thoughts with your de Beauvoirs girls and meet me at the mall!

(Oh, and read the rest of the article. It’s HILARIOUS!)